As year 30 was quickly approaching I found that doubt was coming even quicker. Mostly, what the heck have I accomplished within these last 10 years? Am I am where I thought I would be? Who have I become? What do I really know?
So I decided to search out for some wisdom. I figured that a subjective opinion was needed; so who else would have a gauge on these last few years, than my 3 ½ year old. I had one simple question: how could I be a better mommy? Samantha paused looked a little confused and simply shrugged her very cute shoulders.
Within a moments time she utter the following five words with no understanding of the impact it would have, “In your heart (pause) with God,” and she continued on her way. Profound, at least for me. You see the last few months I have analyzed many choices I have made and am currently making. I speak then within seconds wonder when I allowed cynicism to creep in. I realize I have somehow taken on the perspective of being half empty rather than being half full. Somewhere in the process of these last 30 years I have made it about me. Caught up in all that I haven’t done or how my success matches up next to the rest, the rest who are 30, the rest who have a family, the rest of the Jones’ (not the actual Jones’ I know and love, but you get me.)
Yet, all this is really wrapped up in one place, my heart. The things that have taken up space in my heart have been the wrong things. I’ve allowed what others are thinking of me, what others are doing in their own lives, and how that compares to mine, take up precious space in my heart. I have been consumed by the stuff that really doesn’t matter.
Now I have found the natural instinct is to “try harder” and start doing stuff to fix the problem. At least for me, my list of things to become a better mommy has begun. Actually it’s more like the revolving list of things that will make me a better person that runs through my head every day, yet never is actually done. Which in turn just makes me feel like a bigger failure compared to the rest::do you see this cycle I operate in my head?
But she was right, it’s really that simple::it begins in my heart between me & my Creator. Nothing more!
